Starting about 4 years ago, my wife and I started trying to have a baby. Now, 4 years later, I am turning 40 this year and she is turning 43. We still do not have a baby and it feels like the window is closing with each day. About 2 years ago we started going to a doctor specialized in fertility issues, and we went through various procedures which culminated in starting IVF treatment. Up until now, we’ve done 2 IVF rounds and we are preparing for the 3rd one. I’ve talked with my wife and we agreed that this will be the last round of IVF we will be doing, no matter the result. If it’s successful, all the better, if not, we will look into other options. Those options are using donated eggs or adoption.
Going through this process has me feeling all kinds of things, but the most prevalent feelings are resentment and feeling powerless. I feel resentment mostly because of the IVF treatment. It weighs on me that the process of becoming a father, for me, means poking my wife with needles. I know that I am fortunate to live in a time where this is even possible. I also know that I am fortunate to live in Romania and have access to a state-run fertility clinic which is about 3 to 4 times cheaper than private ones. Even so, the medicine and procedures are still expensive. I’ve spent around 20% of my annual income on these 2 cycles. I know that I am fortunate that we can afford it and it does not impact our lifestyle that much. Knowing that we are in a fortunate position makes me feel shitty because I feel resentment. We have all these advantages and yet, here I am, not appreciating what we have and resenting the process. All this resentment feeds that feeling of powerlessness. I poke my wife with needles and she has to go through all the hormonal issues, pain from being poked too much, bruising, and all the other side effects of the treatment by herself. All I can do is hug her, tell her I love her and be there when she needs me. It feels insufficient and I resent that I feel so powerless.
I wish I could speak to my wife about how I feel but how, in good conscience, can I tell her this when she is actually going through psychological AND physical torment? Can I burden her with my feelings? I wish I could speak with friends about it but my best friend and his wife are going through the same thing, with the addition that their medical situation makes the success rate even lower than ours. How can I go complain about our situation when they are going through it with even lower chances? My other friends either don’t want kids or already have kids. If I have to hear “you need to relax, take a vacation and it will happen for you” one more time, I will snap. It feels so tone deaf, like our problems, all my feelings are caused by not taking a vacation. It drives me nuts.
Now that we are preparing to start this 3rd cycle, I’ve also thought about what we will do after, if this does not work. One of the options is to use donated eggs. The thought of my wife carrying a child that is genetically mine but not hers feels so damn unnatural to me. I can’t wrap my mind around that. Adoption is the other option but it raises all kinds of questions for me. What if we foster a child, we get attached, but then we get declined in the adoption process? Or the even worse situation, where one of us gets attached and the other does not, what do we do then? If my wife bonds with a child but I don’t, can I decline her happiness of being a mother? Should I neglect my feelings so that she is happy? Of course that applies the other way around, if I am the one bonding and she does not, should I force the issue and have her raise a child she does not care for?
I’ve also been thinking about the idea of being a father and if I would be fit as a parent. My relationship with my parents is almost non-existent and I’m wondering if history would repeat itself and decades later I would be on the other side, where my child would not want to talk to me.
I am writing all of this because I need to vent. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it’s been giving me anxiety. I have to deal with these feelings so I can be there for my wife and support her the best I can. I’ve noticed that in the previous IVF cycles, I became easily annoyed. Reflecting on that I realized it was because I felt powerless. It’s like I am an RPG character that wandered into a zone that he is underleveled for. I want to make peace with myself and do better by my wife.
I have nothing to offer you except my attention and my sympathy. I can clearly see you’re struggling with immense challenges physically, emotionally, financially, and socially.
The one thing I might be able to offer is: there is no objectively right choice that you just have to search for, and therefore not finding it is not a failure on your part.
As much as we want to make “the right choices” in life, that exercise comes with the added complication of answering the question “the right choice for whom?”. That itself is a very difficult question, because as you’ve pointed out, some of those are zero sum. For one person to win another might have to lose. What is fair? What is “right”? There are no absolute answers to these questions.
However, be proud of what you and your wife have gone through so far. That took immense effort and sacrifice!
Thank you! You make a great point; the situation we are in is not straightforward. I spiraled in my attempt to find the “right” answer, to the point that I did not stop to consider that there is no right answer. Also, even if I reach a point where I get something I consider the “right” answer, if my wife is not involved in figuring out what is best for us as a couple, it is most likely not the answer we are looking for. I guess that in my attempt to shield her by not discussing what I am feeling, I might go down the path where we get disconnected from each other. I need to take a step back and figure out how I can communicate with her in a way that does not burden her and let her know that I am here for her.
I spiraled in my attempt to find the “right” answer, to the point that I did not stop to consider that there is no right answer.
An extension on the idea here is that we frequently are searching for the “best” answer, when in fact what we’re looking for is the “least worse” answer. As in, there are no good choices and from those you have to choose from and you’re left with the choice that has the fewest negatives. I think this is an important distinction because if choosing “the best answer” still negatively affects some groups they will be resentful that others saw their loss as “the best answer”. Instead if this is reframed as the “least worse” answer, its acknowledging that this choice causes some level of harm to them, but works to communicate it is the least amount of harm collectively to all groups and the apology that comes along with it.
I need to take a step back and figure out how I can communicate with her in a way that does not burden her and let her know that I am here for her.
I agree with you on this. Also consider she is feeling equally anxious about this situation (or others you have no idea about!) and that she too is holding back talking to you because she’s trying to spare your feelings or protect you emotionally. I would recommend seeking a professional counselor for guidance as a path for both of you to have a way to communicate important ideas with one another yet still being able to be gentle in the delivery.
I like the idea of a “least worst” answer. When you put it like this, I realize that I tried clinging to the idea that if you think hard enough about a topic, you can find the best answer. Unfortunetlyu that is now how the world works and a “least worst” answer is much more achievable.
I would recommend seeking a professional counselor for guidance as a path for both of you to have a way to communicate important ideas with one another yet still being able to be gentle in the delivery.
Counseling is a more difficult topic to bring up. We are on the older side of the Millennial generation, and we were raised in a time when counseling was associated with, to put it bluntly, madness. I recognize that it is wrong, and I have sought professional help in the past, and it did wonders for me. That being said, recently the topic of counseling came up in conversation on an unrelated situation, and she made it clear that she is not fond of the idea. If we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t communicate healthily, I will propose couples counseling.
I recognize the stigma that professional help can carry (especially with older generations). We were not raised with the idea that we didn’t have every tool, knowledge, and ability to address every mental or emotional challenge that we might get faced with. This realization is what helped me.
That being said, recently the topic of counseling came up in conversation on an unrelated situation, and she made it clear that she is not fond of the idea. If we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t communicate healthily, I will propose couples counseling.
Perhaps use this line of thinking when talking to her: If there is a water leak occurring somewhere in your house and large puddles are randomly appearing on the floor, would you or your wife just start tearing into the wall or instead would you call a professional plumber that has the tools and experience to know how to address this situation? Why would we think with zero training each of use would be equal to a plumbing professional? We simply aren’t. Its the same thing with mental health. While there are some issues we are capable of addressing on our own, there are simply some jobs that we’re not equipped for and not calling a professional can lead to no fix, but amateur efforts to address it make the problem worse than it was to begin with.
You sound like a thoughtful dude. If your wife has similar emotional intelligence then I feel pretty confident that you two won’t make any major mistakes (we all make some mistakes.)
You have probably already thought about all the information below:
Don’t get hung up on genetics. Whether adopted or donated eggs, family is what you decide. And genetic or not, there will be times when you won’t like being a parent. So remember those feelings are temporary.
As far as unburdening yourself to your wife, only you know what she’s able to take in, and when… But she may also feel resentful if you wait ten years to let her know.
Maybe you would feel less powerless if you made a plan or a flow chart, so you can see the possibilities and prepare.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Typing everything out helped me relieve some of the anxiety I was feeling. It’s good to feel acknowledged; it makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling all the things that I am feeling.
Honestly your wife is probably feeling the same way, I don’t know you nor your wife, so the final decision is yours. Maybe ask her how she is feeling about this whole process and anything that she needs to vent about. I imagine if you’re feeling the same or in a similar way it will be validating for her feelings as well.
If you end up going the adoption route it’s very important to have a discussion on all the details to make sure you’re both on the same page. It’s a huge life change and you can’t just deal with it for the rest of your life. I hope for the best outcome for you. This shit is hard and there’s no one “right” answer.
Thank you for the input! I see now that I was trying to find the right answer in a situation that has no right answers. I need to shift my focus to being there for her while finding ways to share my feelings in ways that are not going to give her more reasons to worry.
If you’re worried about burdening your wife, I wonder if there’s a chance she feels the same about you? If you haven’t asked her how she’s feeling about this, it’s a good discussion to have… This is a highly emotional process for all parties involved.
Regardless, best of luck. You have a digital hug from an internet stranger.