Feelings I had for my classmate were obviously one-sided (pretty sure of it), so I made a reasonable decision to never confess to not make things awkward. In a few years since we graduated I finally moved on, although I never loved anyone this much since.
Yet all this time I had a desire to tell her about them. I would definitely want to know if someone loved me this much ever. Would she? I don’t know. I don’t even know if she is in a relationship right now or not.
I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.
I think there are a lot of things at play here. Ultimately I don’t think you should, though.
The fact that you still want to tell them is suspicious. I think you’re not being honest with yourself. Your ulterior end game is a hope of some type of reciprocation. You haven’t moved on.
Just because (assuming it’s even true) a statistical model of a gender says “they probably would like it” is irrelevant. Would this individual like to hear it? It sounds like you don’t know. If you don’t know them well enough to anticipate how they would react, then I think it’s pretty safe to say they don’t know you well enough to receive the message “I used to love you” in a way that could ever come out as a net benefit to them.
I empathize immensely regarding your position. But as a 3rd party observer, don’t do it.
Additionally, even if there is no reciprocation expected, from their perspective, they will think this is in the hopes of reciprocation. And the more OP tries to convince them it’s not, the less convincing it will be. That kind of contact, regarding feelings from the past, just makes one instantly defensive and apprehensive about the idea that they may soon have to rebuff an advance. Which means finding any excuse to not socialize, respond to texts only minimally, don’t do anything which could feed into the idea that you are getting closer to them which could provoke an advance with underlying expectations and potentially a negative reaction upon rejection. It’s an inherently uncomfortable situation because of that underlying subtext of motive that doesn’t go away with any amount of explanation. There are many routes into so many open hearts out in the world. But this route does not lead to love, platonic or otherwise.
No it is weird and creepy.
The person you think you loved doesn’t even exist anymore and it is highly likely they never did.
You had a childhood crush. Leave it to the sweet memory of the past.
The person you think you loved doesn’t even exist anymore and it is highly likely they never did.
You don’t love her. You barely know her. It’s been years, you have no idea what she thinks, what she’s done, what she would do, etc.
What you love is some ideas you have about her.
You never dated her. You never saw what she was like outside of class, at home, at work, with her friends. You don’t know if she’s honest, or cruel. You don’t know what her political beliefs are, or her religion. Would she kick a puppy? Is she an addict? Is she selfish or generous? Is she clean or slovenly? Does she have a partner? Does she have kids? Is she even hetero?
This is all aside from the fact that you’re imagining a connection that you know isn’t there. Telling her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own ego.
This way of thinking with the fantasy of loving someone you don’t really know and the idea that your feelings years later are important enough to barge into her life with a confession of love without even finding out who she actually is and what her circumstances are… This is a red flag that even in the incredibly unlikely event that she’s single and into you, you are not going to be good for her.
You don’t love her.
Indeed, no longer I do.
You never saw what she was like outside of class, at home, at work, with her friends.
Bold of you to assume that didn’t happen just because I didn’t mention this in my concise post. We were friends, sometimes hanged out together, were guests at each other birthdays.
Telling her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own ego.
…
Don’t do it.
As a general rule, this is a terrible idea. If there are exceptions, it’s clear from your comments that thus is not one of them.
This entire desire is to boost your ego - to validate that your unrequited ‘love’ (crush) made her life better, because you’re such a great guy.
Lwt it go, and grow up a bit more.
This entire desire is to boost your ego
I know it’s not, but I don’t think I have a way to prove the contrary over text correspondence, so think as you want.
Swordgeek has a point - people will have selfish ideas, for selfish reasons. It’s just not very pleasant to have to admit, and therefore people often won’t do it, even to themselves. This makes ulterior motives a lot easier to spot when they’re not your own, and obviously something is up, here.
So if, deep down inside, you happened to be hoping for some kind of self esteem boost or stroked ego… that doesn’t seem very likely. And even if it was, probably not worth bothering a former acquaintance over.
Whatever you were hoping for, you seem pretty hellbent on it - you don’t need to be honest with strangers on lemmy, but might want to re-check your actual motivation here with yourself, because this is stuff that gets creepy real fast.
I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.
You want something like this because it seems to rationalize the thing you wanted to do anyway. It is not your real reason for wanting to do it, but you’d have some kind of excuse for a thing people are lining up to tell you is a Bad Idea.
Honestly, if this is something you really want to do, I don’t think it’s a bad idea, but you do need to be careful.
Don’t make it creepy. Don’t use the word “love”. You did not love her, you had a crush on her. Keep it simple. Keep it friendly.
Something like “Hey, (something) just reminded me of you, and I wanted to say hi. I don’t know if you ever realized it, but I had a little crush on you in school. Hope your doing well!”
No romantic poetry, no talk of love or soul mates. You just throw it out there, and let them control the narrative. If they never respond, you never follow up. If you talk as friends, then be friends. If they secretly had a crush on you this whole time and want to get together, congratulations!
Based on OP’s other replies it’s just trolling at this point, but if he wasn’t, everyone is so much better off by just leaving this alone. It was a weird idea from the start and every last post is another nail in the coffin for anything good coming out of this.
Best answer by far, in my opinion.
The only time I have told someone about feelings I had long ago is when we started hanging out again and they were open to reciprocate. Not an out of the blue cold call.
No
If you’re honest with yourself - really, really honest - you will see that your desire to tell them is motivated by your own vanity and desire for attention. You’re doubtless imagining some big scene in which either they fall into your arms or in which you get to stride off into the sunset as some kind of noble self-sacrificing hero while they wonder what might have been. Don’t fall into that trap. It’s childish, and it’s selfish, and it’s getting into some really dodgy territory that ends with the manosphere and incels and all that. Just keep your counsel, and move on.
I’m horrified and appalled by how the community perceived my intentions; at large, judging by the number of votes on comments in the conversation below, placing no doubt in them being nothing more than sick and twisted desire for attention.
The formula as I see it in my head is quite simple. I would want to hear this said to me; it would make my day; wouldn’t they want to hear it just as much? I waited for long enough that no special feelings are currently present.
I would want to hear this said to me; it would make my day;
then tell yourself and leave the other person to their fucking life.
I’m horrified and appalled by how the community perceived my intentions; at large, judging by the number of votes on comments in the conversation below, placing no doubt in them being nothing more than sick and twisted desire for attention
You might want to think about that a bit.
You all will NOT gaslight me into thinking I’m insane. You. Will. Not.
You all will NOT gaslight me into thinking I’m insane. You. Will. Not.
Nobody is gaslighting you. You asked for advice. The fact that you don’t like the advice you’re getting probably means you need to hear it all the more.
Right now it’s weighing on you. When you tell them you are taking the weight off of you and giving it to them to carry.
You seem young and infatuated, probably not a good idea either way though.
I’ve seen it go both ways. Some reveal feelings they also had. Some are creeped out and let it put a whole different perspective on your whole history together. If you decide to tell them, start by saying that your feelings are in the past and that you don’t expect anything to happen, you just felt you needed to share.
The problem with sharing now is it comes off as insincere — why, after all this time, is NOW suddenly the time to share?
because you’re stupid and you still cling to this memory as a deep truth, rather than a childish crush.
A lot of folks are like this. They would rather live in a idealized memory and cherish it rather than realize how dumb it is to do that.
And that in fact, this person you loved in high school is most likely nothing like they were then, and probably never was going to measure up to the ideal of them you were ‘in love’ with in your head.
Fantasy is way way more emotionally powerful than reality. It never gets checked by human flaws, limits, and misunderstanding.
I think I’d remove the “stupid” bit though; a lot of people who live their fantasy life in their head seem to be much happier in general than those of us who hold up such things against a backdrop of critical thinking.
They don’t, however, seem to learn from their mistakes or improve their lot in life, except by accident. But they’re generally quite happy at the expense of the people around them they invariably impact by remembering what never was. Some people will abandon them to their fiction after attempting to help them escape it, but others will enable them, trying to create a semblance of the reality that would never happen naturally. See the US government for a fascinating case study of how this plays out.
“I used to have a big crush on you” totally legit, playful, good way to see if she was ever into you.
“I used to love you” that’s weird. If you’re still friends don’t you still love her at least platonicly? The explanations you’ve been giving in this thread can only make the situation more strange and more awkward. Love means a lot of things to a lot of people so it’s a weird word to use in the past tense about a friend you used to also be attracted to.
Tell her the day after you no longer feel the need to
Entirely depends on if the person is chill and can laugh at it or if they will freak the fuck out and never talk to you again.
Also, you had a crush. You were not in a relationship with this person. You did not love them.
You can’t do love by yourself. What you experienced may seem profound, but it can’t be anything but myopic because it’s all in your imagination. This is like falling in love with a fictional character or a celebrity.
It’s the difference between sex and masturbation.
