Suffering doesnt make you better, help you heal, or make you more empathetic; suffering just means you suffer.

still have the creeping fears of rejection

For me it ends up in this place where i feel like i need to leave first to keep from getting hurt. Even when I logically know thats not true, the impulse to do so can be overwhelming.

that’s why I started posting here!

Im glad you started

Even here i get that same impulse to leave, people here know me a little bit (some know me a lot) and it scares the shit out of me. Im staying tho! I dont want to lose this space, and its good for me to try and stick around somewhere. I tend to leave places after a year, and im trying to stop that cycle in my life.

The inciting incident

Im happy this is working for you ^^ Its scary. I have gotten to that point with some roommates, but its a lot harder with people im actually wanting to be close to.

can’t remember (sorry) if you are ND as well

Its unknown but likely. Adhd, autism, bipolar, bpd, these all have a bunch of overlapping symptoms/traits/whatever. Probably some kind of adhd or audhd going on in my head.

accepted that my close friends will have to be a similar presentation of neurodivergence to me

I dont really have anyone like that around me? Im in a weird position of having been raised by mental healthcare professionals (srsly, my whole family is some form of therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc.) so i have a pretty good grasp of psychodynamics without having any real education on it. So when I go to share i often start talking about processes, and using language and words in ways that they dont understand or misunderstand, and i just end up feeling misunderstood because my language doesnt match theirs. Im great at hearing and understanding my friends tho lol.

Idk what else to say really

friends

Yeah, i have internalized entirely the idea that everyone leaves. Everyone will leave me, and im just waiting for that to happen. I steal my own happiness because of this narrative, but i cant get out of it. I cant seem to be open and honest with my friends very often. But with strangers its no problem for some reason. Im trying tho. I want to be vulnerable but just cant, i dont want to burden them, i dont want to alienate them, i can find a million excuses.

What do you mean by this, if you don’t mind sharing?

Well, regarding emotional regulation, i just dont have good or healthy outlets for my emotions i guess. I feel really strongly or nothing at all.

Regarding my lack of emotional object permanence, its like what im feeling at any point is what i have always felt and what i always will feel. It gets difficult cause, well, for example Im afraid that I love bomb people unintentionally because when im in love with someone i feel like i always have and always will, and I lose myself. Or like, when i am in a rough space, i always have been there and always will. I cant remember what its like to feel other things.

Theres more i could say, idk if its interesting or worthwhile…

Idk, like, i have friends, and they accept me (i dont exactly tell them everything in my head tho lol). But deeper intimate relationships are hard for me. Idk even what to say about why, theres so many reasons yk. I guess most of it can be summed up with really shitty emotional regulation and a lack of emotional object permanence.

Feeling very frustrated by my sexuality right now. On the one hand, i need to have trust and a close emotional connection to someone in order to even experience sexual attraction to them in the first place. On the other hand, part of me is screaming for the strap.

Idk, im just tired and really aroused and lonely i guess. I dont want a dildo, i want a person to hold and be held by; i want to be partnered with someone(s), and have some kind of loving relationship(s), and have meaningful emotional connection and physical touch. But im also somehow both too much and too little for anyone, and need to fix myself before any of that can happen without it all ending in tears.

# ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
# Writes "Hello, World" to the console using only system calls. Runs on 64-bit Linux only.
# To assemble and run:
#
#     gcc -c hello.s && ld hello.o && ./a.out
#
# or
#
#     gcc -nostdlib hello.s && ./a.out
# ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        .global _start

        .text
_start:
        # write(1, message, 13)
        mov     $1, %rax                # system call 1 is write
        mov     $1, %rdi                # file handle 1 is stdout
        mov     $message, %rsi          # address of string to output
        mov     $13, %rdx               # number of bytes
        syscall                         # invoke operating system to do the write

        # exit(0)
        mov     $60, %rax               # system call 60 is exit
        xor     %rdi, %rdi              # we want return code 0
        syscall                         # invoke operating system to exit
message:
        .ascii  "Hello, world\n"

Nonzionism is not antizionism, just like nonracist doesnt mean antiracist. Nonzionist jews may not be actively pushing for genocide, but the nonzionists in my family are deeply apathetic to what is happening, and refuse to engage beyond condemnations of blatantly genocidal acts (when they havent been poisoned by propaganda). They will run defence for israel without realizing it, in the same way a nonracist may hold up systemic racism without actively commiting racist acts/speech. Those in my family who are nonzionists have no issue with israel existing as is, rather, they take issue with seeing genocide before them; They sit at a table with zionists just as comfortably as with antizionists.

Imo, antizionists should be welcome. Nonzionists make me nervous and frustrated and sad and deeply angry, as they help enable genocide.