It’s not even an original joke. I feel like i’ve heard it countless times already, usually with the punchline being the UK.

Pencil

shes a little confused, but shes got the spirit

Harris wins: trump loses:

Harris loses: trump wins:

The wind blows in my favor little man

If I had a copper for every time a wizard trapped my party in a chess puzzle, I’d have three copper. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird it happened thrice.

(Not to be that person, but, thank you all for the likes, I have never got this many likes in just one day before)

Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.

Mr Magoo is quite a fascinating concept…a visually impaired old man just trying to live his life but gets into all sorts of situations. I don’t care what the correct things were on signs, cards, newspaper advertisements, etc Mr. Magoo read it and made it say what he wanted it to say… Too funny.

This year I’m voting red.

I mean PSL, NOT republican. NOT REPUBLICAN!

I was today years old when I learned that “don’t get it twisted” DOESN’T refer to testicular torsion

If I’m ever a grandparent I’ll tell you what, I am going to lie all the fucking time. I am going to give those kids so much misinformation. They will not know what is real and what isnt. I am going to completely rattle their entire worldview, alright? And it’s not gonna be just my grandchildren, its gonna be everyone until they’re like, “I think gramps has the dementia. I think we should send them to the home.” and then I lock it the fuck in because it was a bit. You’re not sending me anywhere. I’m locked in. Suddenly I’m perfect again, right as rain. I’m gonna get in people’s heads. I think that’s some of the most fun you can have as an old person. That and petty crime.

Tried to breach containment again

Failed again

I have been removed from the cycle of Samsara. my soul will not be reincarnated

I’m getting reported to hr

For those of you don’t know bald people can move faster because of their aerodynamics.